notes of a freakin' lady!

Lately He seems to always be somewhere close. During most of the breaks between classes, He usually hangs around me and some other girls from our group.
He says I'm intelligent and calls me English expert.
And I'm starting to believe it means something.
But I can't be the one to take the first step. I can't risk. If it's just my imagination playing tricks on me, I would crumble down and never get back to my feet.
If He really does care about me, He has to help me. I can't do it alone. Love takes two. It's a mutual dependance; if He only met me halfway, I could do it.

I'm writing a book.
Again, I could say.So many times already I've started writing things, always stopping before any real beginning. Always something made me stop. Either lack of inspiration or lack of ideas. Or both at the same time.
What I'm writing now, is also at a very early stage of development. I've written very little so far, because I have got not enough time (and peace and quiet) to do it.
But I'm trying to perfect my story, my characters, come up with ideas, though they come to me by themselves lately. Which is good. I don't want to rush it: I want to take my time, because it was always one of my biggest dreams. Maybe it will never get published, but it doesn't matter. Okay, it ALMOST doesn't matter. I just want SO MUCH to see the pictures in my head written down in a Word document... or in print, in a book, on a shelf in a bookshop...
I will be trying, writing piece by piece and putting the Humpty Dumpty of my story together.

There was a time not so long ago, when I had some serious doubts about my feelings. My feelings towards a certain person, oh, so often written about in this journal.
So... Yes, I had doubts.
Can't even truthfully say that I'm entirely past them.
I guess it could have been the three-month-long break in seeing Him, after such a regularity...
And now, I'm back to classes and studying... and to seeing Him again almost every single day. I mean, four times a week.
I've got a little bit convinced that I wasn't imagining things - on my part at least. I did not imagine the rushed pulse when I see Him or stand by Him, nor the tangled thoughts and lack for words when I speak to Him.
I DID NOT IMAGINE ALL THAT.
Of course, there's still the matter of what exactly it is. Love? Attraction? Or... whatever it's going to sound like... lust?
And, obviously, I haven't got a faintest idea of what He can actually feel towards ME.
Let's be honest - I'm no classic beauty. No real lady. No cute charm. No fun to be around.
I'm not saying I'm absolutelty good-sides-less. I AM intelligent - He even told me He thought so once. And I do consider myself pretty... In a very specific sort of way, but still.
And I need to know whether I'm worthy of anything, or am I just convincing myself of something that is not true.

Sometimes I wish He found this blog.
Or my Polish one.

Again...
No new entry for over a month. Pathetic, that's what I am.
And it wasn't even such a boring month.
I went to Warsaw. I went to the seaside. I've seen quite a lot. Got my Nikon fixed at last!
But still - haven't seen Him, haven't talked to Him.
I saw him for a moment on the instant messenger the day I got back from the seaside... But I chickened... Again. I'm a pathetic, cowardly, sick, masochistic fool.
Plus, I got seriously Twilight-obsessed. Totally charmed by Edward. Well, could it be different? He's like the perfect guy. And I wouldn't care if he was a vampire if I were Bella.

God, I haven't written anything for a month...
But, honestly, there was nothing to write about.
I'd like to change that, but well... That would involve Him. I don't intend to call Him - I'm too afraid of His reaction...
So I'm waiting til He shows up on our instant messanger. I hope He will soon...
I really do miss Him.

There are moments when I start to think whether I really love Him or not.
And though I don't find any huge, convincing arguments, I always reach the conclusion, that I do.
Because I love His smile, His eyes, His intelligence... His sense of humour... I love every tiny bit of Him. I love the way He talks, the way He walks, the way He laughs, the way He swears...
I can't even get myself to correct Him when He makes a mistake while talking in English. When He pronunces something wrong, even though I'm very phonetically nit-picking...
I love Him.
And I think this is really the first time I'm really, truly in love. In Love, spelled with a capital L.
I love Him and I want Him to be happy. Even if it means being happy without me. This is the first time I can say that. It doesn't mean that it wouldn't hurt. It would hurt like hell, but I would know that He is happy. That would be the most important thing ever.
Though, still, I wish His happiness was meant to be a happiness with me.

So...
My holidays have begun. I'm quite glad on one hand, and quite depressed on the other.
Glad, because I have a lot of time to do nothing and watch as many TV series as I'm able to manage. Depressed - because I'm going to see Him for the next time in three months' time. Of course, most probably.
One thing that also worries me is that He didn't pass intro to literature. He's going to have to take the exam again in September, so I can only keep my fingers crossed for Him.

So, the session has begun.
One exam passed - Psychology with an A, which I'm extremely proud of.
Six more to go - Pedagogy on Friday, The Skills on Tuesday, Phonetics on the 26th, Descriptive Grammar on the 27th, Intro to Literature on the 29th and Discussion on the 30th.
Sounds scary, but there is nothing more relaxing than a good mark for the start.

I don't know what to think. I haven't received any direct signals that He's interested in me at all.
But still, I keep on catching Him watching me. Our gazes keep on locking.
And every time it happens, He has this most charming kind of smile on His face. And the warmth in His eyes. I've never been so much infatuated with a guy's brown eyes.
But what hurts me the most is that I can't make any move, if I'm not sure I wouldn't make a fool of myself.

BTW, me and Him are going to be taking the Psychology exam on the same day, just a few people apart. Maybe I will wait for Him...

I s'pose it was last week when one of the rest of BrzydUlomaniacs wrote somewhere about a book. She said that she had read only the excerpt at the back so far, but it totally fit Marek and Ula, so she'd decided to buy it.
I got intrigued even more, when somebody else wrote that she'd bought it and swallowed the whole thing within a night.
So today I had a moment before my train back home, so I stopped by a bookshop. I found the book on a shelf amongst other Polish books. It wasn't difficult as the cover represents the title - "The Seven Colours Of The Rainbow". I picked it up and opened. I wanted to read the first few lines. I couldn't. But no, not because it was so bad. I got stuck on quotations before the actual text and the author's introduction. I don't really remember everything that I've read there.
But there was this one sentencee that literally struck me.
'Love is the only way out of solitude'.
My heart started racing and my hands began shaking. I barely could put the book back on the shelf and still utterly stunned, I left the shop.
I wasn't thinking very clearly. Maybe that's why I didn't buy it right away.
But tomorrow - I'm going to go back there and get it. I don't recall any book ever making me feel like this before I even started reading it.
I just hope it won't let me down.

Anyway, when I was going for the train, I had this thought: 'It was a sign. I need to take the chance and make the most of what I've felt lately. Maybe it's Him who is to get me out of solitude?' It's kind of weird. I'm not really a superstitious person, I don't believe in signs. But I do think it wasn't anything random, not a coincidence. There are no such things as coincidences. I do believe that whatever happens to come up in our lives, whatever we come across, it is supposed to mean something. This is the basis of my faith. In God. Or a Higher Power, whatever you want to call it.
But I really felt as if something important had just happened. Especially because I had been thinking about Him. That I regretted not waiting for Him at the tram stop and going with Paulina instead. That it was a pity He came to the institute today only to drop off recordings we had as an assignmentfor our Phonetics class. That I wished I could spend a little while with Him today.

And other things that I thought about after reading that quotation, were other quotes: